Lately I have been discovering my hidden tendencies to react, and to be utterly impulsive in situations where my calmness and composed mind could have diminish the chances of ultimate damage. For me, everything has always been this way or that way. It was either left or right. Black or white. North or South. I have no midpoint. No shades of gray are found in my nature. It always felt like I'm this pendulum which keeps swinging back and forth, not being able to, even for a minute, halt in the middle. My emotions are all over the canvas. Breaking the lines of the sketch of my life. I am unable to resist them. My heart is flooded with such a variety of sentiments that I have a pretty hard time to keep them within the borderline and stopping them from stepping onto my face and sabotaging what little camouflage I had managed to have carried to avoid the damage.
These feelings have lately started building up such dispositions for me, that I am in sore need to at least end up becoming equidistant to some extent. I am sick to my stomach, racing between these two extremes all the time. Its like I'm this fugitive who's held back from home, and is not even welcomed in the other state. It's not that I've never tried straightening out the decipher of this very equation. I sometimes succeed unraveling this tangled web. I preoccupy myself with the people around me. They are supposedly by far the most interesting distraction from my customary hassle. I keep myself busy in the troubles that the few idiots have caused to this world. Journey down the nostalgic lanes can sometimes help in breaking the ice too.
But all of this never helps me out in the longer run. No matter how many times I go back to find at least some lasting solution, I always end up coming back with more regrets and a pocket full of even MORE FEELINGS. But throughout my life I met such souls too who are constantly wearing a mask of 'Nothing'. If you ask them how do they feel. They will always answer you with one word and that is "Nothing". Upon asking them the regrets that they upheld all their life, they'll answer with "Nothing". When actually they have the most plagued souls with broken hearts, and agonized spirits. They are fragmented . But they have over the years, mastered the art of hiding down under the facade, where they feel safe and treasured. They refuse to let out their thoughts and waste on the people of this world who will always try to dig in for a false meaning and a wrong impression. And will never learn to read between the lines. I adore such people. Because I know how hard it is to hold back your thoughts on events where you know you could win an argument or defeat the person in front of you with your way of words. But in those situations too, they choose to remain silent. They succeed in hiding their dejected forms and endless stories beneath their dark circles.
Maybe someday I can be like them.
Maybe someday I can wake up and refuse to exhibit my prized emotions. Maybe someday I can embrace the power of refusing to let my routine 'word vomit' defuse things for me. Maybe someday I will, too, come out of my wishful thinking that someone's there to listen to these words and comprehend exactly what I mean and nothing more or less.
Maybe someday someone asks me, "What are you feeling?" to which I answer, "Nothing".
Maybe.
Stay Blessed.
By: Ramsha Haadi
By: Ramsha Haadi
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